Mother’s Day came and went. And my wedding anniversary, too. They happen to be on the same weekend. Every year.
Which has me thinking.
The most worthwhile thing in life is love. Coincidentally, the most challenging thing is also love.
We go to all lengths to find and secure love. Not just from a significant other, or from children or family, but from the people around us. Through the work we do. Love is a big deal. We cannot live without relationship, and the healthier our connections, the healthier we are… physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually.
So, here’s some hopefully light-hearted free advice that’s probably worth what you pay for it. Taken from my 11 years of marriage, and 9 years of mothering (going on the Japanese system here… my son is 8 but I should darn well get credit for those 9 extra months. Especially since I was in my third trimester in the blasted heat of summer).
IMO (“In My Opinion” for the non-millennials, of which I am one):
- Never take relationship advice from someone who has been married for less time than it takes to earn a doctorate. They have to AT LEAST get through the seven-year itch. I was listening to a favorite podcast the other day and the guests had been married to each other for 5 years and WROTE A MARRIAGE BOOK and were about to “set sail”, as they said, on a book tour. Uhhhh…. no. IMO they should still be working on their doctorate another two years. Then, in about 3-4 years, maybe I’ll listen in on their free podcast conversation.
- Don’t paint together. It just brings about marriage counseling sooner rather than later. Take my word. Your ideas of a good solid coat may differ. And you might paint the wrong color in the wrong room. Even the wrong color of white/off-white? Yes, definitely yes. You see, it happens to the best of us.
- And while we’re at it… cattlemen: don’t take your newlywed non-ranching wife out in the pasture in her flip flops to help you corral an unruly calf.
- Oh, and farmers: try not to harvest together for at least a couple years. Harvest #1 was our first big disagreement. Enjoy your first year, it’s Biblical.
- Be a student of your spouse. Learn all about them and their past. Get over yourself, and your issues, so you can really get to the good stuff. Typically, both of these endeavors require counseling. Set aside your wedding money for counseling apart and together. You may not need it now, but there will definitely come a time. If you have no idea what your issues are, have a kid… or two. You’ll find out real quick where your “growth” opportunities lie. And if you need a reference, “How We Love” by Milan and Kay Yerkovich is life-changing (www.howwelove.com). Experiencing their workshop in person is even better. And there are lots of great counselors out there. A great place to start is by attending a New Life Ministries conference or just listening to their daily radio show (www.newlife.com).
Speaking of children: When you give birth, lots of things change.
- You almost never lack the instant feedback from your bladder as to how full it is when confronted with a really good joke, a sneeze or a cough. Unless you did your Kagels, which I obviously didn’t.
- Your shoe size. It took a podiatrist to give the death knell to my expansive one-size-too-small Imelda Marcos-like shoe collection. And some that I had JUST sourced! All, gone! With 2 minutes of courage and a donation trash bag, all memory of size 10s were banished forever.
- Sleep. You never get enough of it. And to make it worse, my children have different circadian rhythms from each other. Thank goodness my husband is a night person so he can put the night owl to bed.
- Your balanced hormones. Probably lost. Never to be rebalanced. Sorry for the bad news.
With children in your home, your house also takes on a new dimension.
- You don’t spend a lot of time, at least when the kids are home, looking around in awe that the house is just like you had it a mere 10 minutes ago. When I was a single working girl, I had a really great dirt/mud colored tile floor. I bet I could count on one hand how many times I mopped it during my ownership of it for three years. Granted, I was on the road a lot and it sat vacant most of the time. But now, it’s like little elves sneak around night and day to mess with me. Mud, and dirt… everywhere. The playground of life. Random nail polish appears on bathroom vanities never to be removed again. Walls and furniture are written on.
- The kitchen sink becomes an indicator of your mental health, your overwhelmedness, your busy life, of harvest. I read a blog once that said if you need a starting place for feeling more in charge, start with the sink. Great advice.
Well, that’s probably enough from me for now. School gets out tomorrow, and you might not hear from me again until mid-August. I have elves to watch and a sink to clean.
The Farmeress 